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Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by anonamouse, Dec 29, 2012.

  1. Sigster

    Sigster Gelding

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    In A&E with my son at the moment waiting for his test results after he swallowed a load of lego, I'm alright but he's shitting bricks.
     
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  2. Sigster

    Sigster Gelding

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    My New Year's Resolution was to stop making innuendo jokes about my sexual stamina.
    Day 16 and so far so good.
    I just hope I can keep it up.......
     
  3. Sigster

    Sigster Gelding

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    A pervert, a con artist, a racist and a fascist walk into a bar.

    The barman says" what'll it be Mr President?"
     
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  4. dave58

    dave58 Administrator

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    Driving to work today in front of me were a couple weaving all over the road.
    Don't know why they didn't get a loom
     
  5. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    It's UK pun day:
    Some examples lifted from Twitter:

    I asked the Librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote Dinosaur novels.
    She said "Try Sarah Topps"

    Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today, should've put it on aloha temperature.

    Told 10 different puns, hoping that at least one of them would win.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

    A photon checked in at the airport and was asked if the had any luggage. He replied, 'No. I'm travelling light.

    Cheese factory explosion. De brie everywhere

    My mate bought me an elephant for my room. I said 'Thanks'.
    He said 'Don't mention it.'

    Went to the ER with a nasty cut, and asked the nurse if it was alright if I did my own stitches. "Suture self", she shrugged.

    Dreamed I'd written The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings AND The Silmarillion. When I woke up my wife said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep

    Had a dream that I got wet on a camping trip - must have been a portent.
     
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  6. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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  7. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    Nursing home test



    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?"

    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”



    "No," he said, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"




    ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
     
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  8. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    Hypnotist at a Seniors' Home

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

    After the community sing-along, led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

    Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

    The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

    "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

    "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"

    The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

    The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

    A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

    They were all hypnotized.

    And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

    The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

    "SHIT!" shouted Claude.

    It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens Center and Claude was never invited back again.
     
    formtheory, djb38 and dave58 like this.
  9. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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  10. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    upload_2017-2-16_18-37-58.png
     
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  11. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

    She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

    'What's up?' she asks.

    'I think I'm having a heart attack,’ cries the husband...

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes upand says, "Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroomright past her husband...rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering inside.

    'You rotten bitch', screams the blonde, 'my husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
     
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  12. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    Peeing on the Flowers

    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
    One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
    Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.
    Thanks for telling me, officer."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a golf course. A lot of
    golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
    It used to really tick me off... kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
    'Why not make the best of it?‘ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet,
    with my hedge clippers and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,
    I grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'"
    "That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in
    the other bag?"
    "Not everybody pays"


    I'm not sure if I've posted these before.
     
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  13. SteveT

    SteveT Colt

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    I heard Gary Glitters got a date for his release apparently she's 8 but with makeup on she can pass for 12
     
  14. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    upload_2017-3-3_9-58-26.png
     
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  15. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    upload_2017-3-3_18-2-28.png From: AFTER SURGERY



    A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

    A hospital spokesman replied
    "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

    All we did was correct his eyesight."









    ________________________________













    FREE
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  16. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    This picture was in the email and you had to scroll down to.
    I couldn't work out how to post the email.
    sparky
     
  17. Thirsty1907

    Thirsty1907 Filly

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    The wife came home with 4 cases of beer, 3 cases of wine, 2 bottles of Jamesons and 2 large loaves of bread.
    I asked her "Are we having guests round?"
    She replied "No"
    So i said "Then why did you get so much bread?"
     
  18. Thirsty1907

    Thirsty1907 Filly

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    When i retire, I'm going to buy myself a lighthouse....Nothing too flashy though.
     
  19. Miguel Yates

    Miguel Yates Newbie

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    Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years. "
    -
    "But doctor, I am already 80!"
    -
    "You see - I told you to quit smoking."
     
  20. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and
    accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this
    morning with a huge correction.

    My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my
    obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she
    was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

    I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
    Locals were shouting "Paedo" and other names at me
    just because she's is 21 and I'm 50. It completely
    spoilt our 10th anniversary.


    My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little
    splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's matches, his
    little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I
    forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


    I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen
    last night, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'Hurry
    up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go
    to!'


    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
    when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What
    would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
    lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken
    please' She replied, 'You're having soup you
    fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

    Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly
    black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named
    him Bradford.

    I was sitting in a restaurant last night and got hit
    on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round
    and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for
    starters!'

    Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of
    'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' Show
    bosses think she will do really well since she's been
    living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
     
  21. SteveT

    SteveT Colt

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    I was sitting next to a young woman yesterday on a roller coaster and she never stopped screaming, honestly you would think she had never seen a penis before
     
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  22. SteveT

    SteveT Colt

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    My wife locked herself in the kitchen in a rage after a massive argument over how miserable and tight i've become since we got married, she's in there now ripping all the plates in half
     
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  23. SteveT

    SteveT Colt

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    Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out, "did you buy a plug" asks the manager "you bugger you never said it was electric". replied paddy
     
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  24. Miguel Yates

    Miguel Yates Newbie

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    A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

    “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

    “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”
     
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  25. djb38

    djb38 Gelding

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    IMG_0260.JPG
    Has karma ever looked so good?
    Someone suggested that the sculptor found out that Ronaldo had been doing his missus
     
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  26. Larry

    Larry Gelding

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    Twitter

    I never usually visit this thread but my daughter sent me this
     
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  27. Sparky

    Sparky Foal

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  28. dave58

    dave58 Administrator

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    I really think this poisoned egg scare is a bit over the top.

    Un oeuf is un oeuf
     
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