• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right twat on the bus this morning
 
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX:

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union ;

Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
 
Here is one especially for Bob.....

I've just brought myself a claret and blue Aston Villa sledge.

Never gone downhill so fast in my life. ;)
 
I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday, when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.
 
If you're not on Twitter, join up and follow 195O'S Tip's @@fiftiestips

FUCKING HILARIOUS!

have a read of the previous nuggets of wisdom-

If you have to talk to a northern and you fail to grasp their vocabulary. Ask it to draw a picture but please, keep an eye on your pencil.

My secretary informs me there are tales of association football on my timeline. This dreary sport is for ruffians and urchins.

If a cockney threatens to 'punch your lights out' tell him this is not how electricity works & one day the slums will get this technology.

If you are having intercourse with your wife and you should find your mind wandering to that audit at work DON'T LET BERTIE DEFLATE. AGAIN.

If your wife finds that male pornographic booklet you purchased from an Egyptian, tell her it is a birthday gift for your secretary.

If you can't afford to pay the man from the council this weeks rent,explain to him your wife will felate his penis in exchange for leniency.

BUS DRIVERS OF LONDON. DO NOT DRIVE INTO THE SMOG WITHOUT SAFEGUARDING YOUR VALUABLES BEFOREHAND. COCKNEYS WORK IN THIS AREA.
 
Dedicated to the other place!- (Or Flogging a Dead Horse!)

Young Ken bought a horse from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news… the horse died.”
Ken replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it.”
Ken said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”
Ken said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Ken said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Ken and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Ken said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £998.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Ken said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.”
 
"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem mate?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer mate"

"Thanks mate, bye
 
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a Courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that the family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that, while visiting his aunt during the summer holidays, his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the West Indies Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.
 
The Joker smashes a teapot on Batmans' head.

Batman screams "T'PAU!!!!!!!"

The Joker says "Hold on a minute, aren't you meant to say "KAPPOWWWW"?????

No mate, you had china in your hand.

:hunter:

I'll get me coat...
 
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B&Q either."
 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would he use the spoon?
2. Would he use the teacup?
3. Would he use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Nooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test)
 
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
 
1950s Tips ‏@fiftiestips
Old people are distrustful of modern gizmos like the wireless or the corkscrew. The nearest they have come to progress is the ear trumpet.
 
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they are yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
 
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
 
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