• Hi Guest Just in case you were not aware I wanted to highlight that you can now get a free 7 day trial of Horseracebase here.
    We have a lot of members who are existing users of Horseracebase so help is always available if needed, as well as dedicated section of the fourm here.
    Best Wishes
    AR

Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!

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If You've been put off Tesco's burgers, try their meat balls!......They're the dogs bo****ks!

To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger?..........That is Equestrian.

If you think Tesco's Horse burgers are bad, you should try their quarter pandas.

Tesco are giving treble points on your club card for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday. The deal is called - Only Fuel and
Horses.

In response to the revelation about horse meat in Tesco burgers, they have release a statement stating that they also cater
for vegetarians? They said " We are also putting UniQuorn in the veggie burgers"

Went to the freezer to check my Tesco burgers and....THEY'RE OFF...

It turns out that the horses were molested before they were turned into burgers...The police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

Never eating another one of those Tesco burgers. Bloody things gave me the trots...Hopefully it won't last furlong!

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

I bought a burger at Tesco's cafe, the waitress said "would you like anything on it?" I replied " a fiver each way ".

I've had it tough lately working on the meat counter at Tesco's.......it feels like I'm flogging a dead horse!

Tesco say they're out of stock on Burgers but they've got a fresh delivery coming in at 10 to 1.
 
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to make her keep him. ;)

A Woman's Prayer :pray:
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. :!:
 
An Irish bloke i know has been looking for a girlfriend for ages. I set him up with a girl i know but warned him she is expecting a baby. I saw him 2 days ago asked him how it went... 'fucking embarassing" he said . "She turned up 1 hour late at the pub... & i felt a right mug standing there in a nappy."
 
I heard a terrible noise outside my house last night. So I went to investigate and to my horror there were 4 Arsenal players playing football with a cat. I was just about to call the RSPCA, then the cat went 1-0 up.
 
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately.

Don't stop and think about it.
Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time!
Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the 'test.'
Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one.
You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised.


Start:
How much is: 15 + 6











21










3 + 56







59







89 + 2



































91







12 + 53



















65







75 + 26

























101





25 + 52








































77







63 + 32



























95







I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! Nearly over..





Come on, one more! ...















123 + 5



























128













QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

























Scroll further to the bottom.....

































A bit more...

































You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?





If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of
People who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.



98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.



If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see



Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and send
To everyone



--
 
My God, how is this working? I even said it out loud in Croatian. I actually kind of saw red colour and a hammer when asked... ????
 
Made me laugh

Alcohol test

This is an alcohol test: If you pass it, you can keep drinking, if not, it's time to stop.

Follow the simple instructions below:

1. Click on the man's nose.
2. A new window will open – click on the man's nose again
3. IF YOU successfully click on his nose, you can drink another

IF NOT, THEN YOU MUST STOP DRINKING!!!


Code: 
http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html
 
A man dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers.

The man says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I figured was her husband."

The man is fuming. He says to the maid,
"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den
and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone.
The man hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh... is this 832-4821?"
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
City of LA High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:________________ Gang:________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steel to make $600?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up?
 
Puns
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the Hell out of it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met Herbivore.
I'm reading a book about antigravity. I can't put it down.
They told me I had type A blood, But it was a Type O.
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
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