Jokes other sites are gonna copy and paste off here!
- Thread starter anonamouse
- Start date
amalthea
Colt
How to give a Pill to your Cat
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
15. On way home, stop at pet store and purchase cat carrier for $40. Take cat to vet to have pill administered; cost: $36. Then stop by furniture shop to order new table; cost: $440.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
15. On way home, stop at pet store and purchase cat carrier for $40. Take cat to vet to have pill administered; cost: $36. Then stop by furniture shop to order new table; cost: $440.
JamesNich
Filly
I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina.
On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman.
After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.
I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it.
On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman.
After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.
I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it.
JamesNich
Filly
My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, "100 ways to please your man."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."
I said, "Don't bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I'll be the happiest bloke ever.
She smiled and said, "Aww, what's that then?"
I said, "Pack your bags and fuck off."
amalthea
Colt
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After ₣250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around zł759.46, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After ₣250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around zł759.46, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
amalthea
Colt
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, playing soft background music and feasting on shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air fresheners were hung. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers had delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... .......including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????
On the third day, she sat for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, playing soft background music and feasting on shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air fresheners were hung. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers had delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... .......including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????
anonamouse
Colt
I have submitted two designs for Margaret Thatchers' Memorial.
However, in the interests of health and safety, and crowd control; the leading contender is...
However, in the interests of health and safety, and crowd control; the leading contender is...
mlmrob
Sire
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
anonamouse
Colt
David Cameron has just sent his official letter to the Thatcher residence.
It starts, "I regret to inform you that due to recent events, you now have too many bedrooms..."
It starts, "I regret to inform you that due to recent events, you now have too many bedrooms..."
mandkay
Mare
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
amalthea
Colt
A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it, looked into it, then slammed it shut and
stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house
again, went to her mail box and again, looked into it, slammed it
shut again and back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?", to which she replied, "There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it, looked into it, then slammed it shut and
stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house
again, went to her mail box and again, looked into it, slammed it
shut again and back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,
"Is something wrong?", to which she replied, "There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."